Would You Watch?

I adore Love Island. I know it is the Marmite of tv shows but for me it signals the start of summer. I can almost feel the sun on my skin, smell the sun tan lotion, taste the promise of holiday romance. This year especially, as I haven’t had a holiday for two years, the daily dose of Vitamin D and scandal is a tonic. However, it always seems to me that the boys have the upper hand most of the time. They quickly form a tight group, unfailingly ready to stand up for one of their own and they seem to embrace villa life wholeheartedly, wringing as much fun as possible from whatever situation they find themselves in. The girls have a more bumpy ‘journey’ altogether. These insta-babes with their silicone swollen boobs and lips storm into the villa like Amazonian princesses, ready to grab a boy and drag him into bed. Yet after a few days, when his head is turned by a bombshell arrival, they turn into quivering, paranoid betas, their carefully painted faces melting as the tears fall. They turn on the newcomer who is, lets face it, just there to stir things up, before breaking into small groups to lick their wounds and offer reassuring words such as “it is what it is” and “he needs to , like, start grafting”.

So I was thinking, what would Love Island look like if they replaced all the girls, the models, the singer/songwriters, the paramedics and the ones with a celebrity relative, with middle-aged women? Sure, it would look a bit different. The bikinis would be bigger, they would have to start getting ready for a date the day beforehand and strappy high heels would be replaced with comfy Birkenstock sandals but I think it would be a whole lot more real, not to mention much funnier. Just imagine Iain Stirling’s distinctive comic tones trying to do the commentary. “The girls are discussing last night’s re-coupling on the terrace. Luca is making his new bedmate Marian a full-fat mocha-vanilla, Baileys latte with a doughnut garnish as requested. Once he has delivered it he sets off back to the kitchen to get started on her full-English with extra beans. Meanwhile, Davide is working out in the gym. His other half, Gill is shouting at him from the terrace to bring her a drink. Davide looks terrified and drops the dumbbells in shock. Meanwhile Sharon is in the dressing room hogging the magnifying mirror to pluck her moustache. She is wearing two HRT patches on her bum, under her leggings to give her a much needed boost. She is hoping that she will get to spend the night with Dami in the Hideaway. Back on the terrace, Davide has presented Gill with an oat milk iced coffee. She takes a sip and throws it all over Davide’s bronzed torso with a grimace. Davide leaves the villa in tears. The boys gather at the fire pit and hold each other. Suddenly Joanie screams, “I’ve got a text”!!

I mean, I would watch it. Case Amour would be an eye-opener. Instead of doe-eyed loyalty or, much more fun, rebellious betrayal I think we could expect real fireworks. The ladies would no doubt lose their collective Tena ladies in outrage and trash the villa. How refreshing!! Seriously though, I do enjoy Love Island in its current format but I worry for the mental health of these young people who care so deeply about what the public perception of them is and can sometimes end up deeply scarred by the whole experience. Maybe a change is due next year?

Thanks for reading, Michelle. xx

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